“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Buying a well is money well spent.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”