“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
You Might Also Like
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did