“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
What kind of a cult is this?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
That earthquake could have been an email.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?