*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
smartest karate player in the world
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.