Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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Dudes named Chance never had one.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.