Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
You Might Also Like
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.