Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine