Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂