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@EvileSkull: Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
@MandiAtRandom: I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the "caulk"
@ATorres2181: *walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
"My next what?
*from the closet
"Oh sorry typo I meant you're.
@BradBroaddus: My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
@BackrowSeats: When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
@MatCro: IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I've never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE