America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*