Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.