Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.