i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.