Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”