“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.