“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?