North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You Might Also Like
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers