@pleatedjeans: [doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
@MUMSIEesq: Pro Tip: Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
@TheTweetOfGod: Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
@RamblingMachine: If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.