[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue