“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Left at a local drug store…
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.