“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
having children is a pyramid scheme.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.