Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
nobody’s gonna understand
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies