As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.