If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
You Might Also Like
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge