Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.