Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
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me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
That’s fair
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.