Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.