Lol #dogsoftwitter
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸