driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
welp
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Dead sexy!!
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s