remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
You Might Also Like
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.