DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
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[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.