DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.