DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
These 3D printers are insane!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?