*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.