doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*