Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
it must be school picture day
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.