doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride