doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot