Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store