Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”