Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
house sitting!
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers