Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
happy mother’s day❤️
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
According to math, I’m broke
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
The “baby” on the left….
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!