Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You Might Also Like
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute