Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Every haunted house movie:
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
This sounds bad:
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes