DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.