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@mydmac: Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
@Thynebear: "You're bleeding because you don't floss"
Me: No, I'm bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
@slaughthie: My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
@SatansTongue: Stop calling hurricanes names, you're just giving them the attention that they want
@Mehrwane: Whoever coined the term "gross profit" wasn't getting paid for their job.
@ProdigyNelson: *girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
*I start building a deck*
"what have you done"
*grill turns itself on*