doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
You had me at “define legal”.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”