DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
is it earth
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
mom had nothing to worry about
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay