Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we