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@Dani_Feld: Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What've you got?
@RandomManik: I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead".
I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".
@John_Quaintance: There's no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
@BlackCatBettie: What's faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
@JRehling: God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
@MasterOfFury: Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it's so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don't suspect a thing.