Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic